Raising Good Adults

Chuckle: A sign on a country road -- "WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS CLOSED!"

Good Quote: "Who our ancestors were is not nearly as important as the kind of ancestors we shall someday be." --William Arthur Ward

"And now a word to you fathers (and mothers). Don't make your children angry by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction approved by the Lord" (Ephesians 6:4 NLT). "Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, . . . Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, . . . Similarly, encourage young men to be self-controlled. In everything set them an example by doing what is good" (Titus 2:3-7 NIV).

I once read an article in Better Homes and Gardens by Jack Croft. He makes the case that in the past decades parents have focused on building self-esteem in their children to make them happy and well adjusted. However, many older parents and grandparents have been concerned that over emphasis on "building self-esteem" has resulted in less discipline, more permissiveness, and the creation of selfish spoiled children. This article validates those concerns.

Studies are showing that building self-esteem is not the most important consideration in developing good adults. Dr. Roy F. Baumeister, professor of psychology, "found that by virtually any measure, self-esteem has not lived up to its promises." It simply doesn't work. He goes on to say, "my advice would be to forget about self-esteem and concentrate on self-control." "Self-control" is mentioned numerous times in Scripture as an important character trait for God's people, but "self-esteem" is only implied in phrases like "love your neighbor as yourself." We are to value ourselves as God values us -- but never to become self-centered, arrogant, and demanding. Dr. Baumeister defines "self-control" this way: "Being able to resist temptation, control your impulses, focus your thoughts, and perform up to your capacity." That sounds Biblical to me.

Our passages focus on teaching children and youth through discipline, Godly instructions, and setting a healthy example for them. Role-modeling is a highly successful teaching method in any situation. Another psychologist, Charles Elliott, co-authored "Hollow Kids: Recapturing the Soul of a Generation Lost to the Self-Esteem Myth." He suggests we, as parents, should allow our children to see us walk away from a frustrating situation (deal with it later) rather then exploding in anger. By example, you can show your children a better way to handle frustration.

Mr. Croft says, "A criticism of self-esteem is that it focuses too much on self, instead of teaching kids about others. Ask your child, 'How do you think Johnny felt when that happened?' If the answer is not a good one, help them to put themselves in others' shoes."

Now to the clincher. "Self-control" is listed as a fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22-23. For Christian parents and grandparents, modeling self-control in the power of the Holy Spirit will teach Christian kids to depend upon the Holy Spirit for the strength they need to exercise self-control -- control over their wills, tongues, actions, and passions so that Christ is honored. Teach children to try new things but not be devastated when they fail, but rather to laugh at themselves and have fun.

Love, Jerry & Dotse